Breaking News: Dodgers Ink Matt Kemp To Mega-Deal!!!

Good morning on another unseasonably warm day in the TriState, and welcome to another Prick Cabin Titty Bar Tuesday! Uncle PMAC has been working the phones all night prank-calling that cocksucker Buster Olney, and acting like I was the captain of the fuckin Jerky Boys, in my attempt to get the inside scoop on 2012-Free Agent-to-be Matt Kemp! Well, folks, here's the deal, the Dodgers have given Matt "Fuck Rihanna, I Bange More Broads Than Shawn" Kemp an 8-Year $160 Million extension! The 27-year-old homegrown Dodger was undoubtedly going to be a highly-pursued free agent next offseason, or at this season's trade deadline, but the bankrupt boys from the City of Angels somehow managed to scrape up $160 million out from underneath their twin-sized bed!?! Let's be honest, geniuses, Frank McCourt employed a personal fuckin hairstylist for $150,000 a year!!!! No wonder why the guy is broke! What the fuck do I know, though!?!? I like my pussies the way I like my parking garages - empty!

Breaking News: Phillies Sign Jonathan Papelbon!

In a very strange development, the Phillies have nixed their deal with Ryan Madson, and signed Jonathan "The Worst" Papelbon!!! Woah!?! Papelbon has received a 4-Year deal for $50 Million!!!!!!! Are you kidding me!?! Don't get me wrong, folks, I do think Papelprick is better than Madson, but still, that is a lot of juice right there! Papelbon, 30, had served as the Boston Red Sox closer since 2006. Last year for Boston he posted a career-low 31 saves with a 2.94 ERA. The four-time All-Star has averaged 37 saves and a 2.33 ERA over seven professional seasons.I expect the former Red Sox closer to really embrace Philadelphia, as he's already agreed to sticking a cheesesteak up his fuckin fanny on the local news outlet down there tonight at 6PM! Nothing says City of Brotherly Love quite like Cheez-Wiz and onions dripping from your tush!!! The phones are ringing off the hook at the Cabin Sportsbook with people looking to place big bets on just how long it will take Papelbon to fuck the Philly Fanatic!!!!! 5:2 odds, he does it by Sunday! Any takers!!??

Breaking News: Phillies Ink Ryan Madson*

Good evening from the Cabin! Uncle PMAC will be bringing the unwashed masses extensive coverage of MLB's Hot Stove season, and right now we have breaking news coming out of Philadelphia. The Phillies have re-upped closer, Ryan "Fuck Henry Evans I'm The" Madson, to a 4-Year $44 Million extension to remain their go-to-guy in the ninth inning. WOW!!!!! I'm sorry, folks, but that is a tremendous amount of money for an average closer!!! What the fuck has Ryan Madson ever done, and not to mention, the Phillies get plenty of fuckin length with Doc Halladay, Cliff Lee, and Cole Hamels!!! Do I think this deal is a result of the bogus contract the Yankees bestowed upon that fuckin cocksuckin Curious Fuckin George look-a-like, Rafael Soriano? Well sure it is! The Steinbrenner boys set the fuckin market like the Andrea Fuckin Gail!!!! I might be the biggest prick in the galaxy, but still, I bet you Jonathan Papelbon and Heath "You Can Ring My" Bell are sucking each other off after hearing this news!!! Both of those pricks are better than Madson, so what the fuck are they gonna get, and don't say a handjob with a cherry on top???!!! Gloucester! They're always from fuckin Gloucester!!!!!! I don't give an armadillo's ass if Madson went 4-2 with 32 Saves and a 2.37 ERA! I don't give a fuck if he can wack off without touching his prick! The guy is garbage! Teams are throwing money around like Pacman Jones at the Bada Fuckin Bing for goodness sakes! Who does this guy think he is?!? Vinny Chase?! I am Prick Cabin!

In other news, the Cardinals have interviewed Terry Francona, while the Red Sox are having discussions about adding Carlos Beltran to their outfield in order to replace free agent J.D. "Triple-A" Drew! Stay tuned to the Cabin for your Hot Stove fix! Short stack, short stack, short stack, coming up!!!!

Jose Reyes To Meet With Marlins Manana!

Hey! Get your hands off that stove, you prick! You'll burn yourself! The Miami Marlins are being quite aggressive early on in free agency, as they will meet with shortstop, Jose "Fragile Babydick" Reyes, tomorrow, and they will make an offer to sign him. Interesting, right? What does this mean for Hanley Ramirez? Tis' no secret that Ramirez had a very disappointing year on the field, and in the clubhouse, so you could see the Fish wanting to move this shmuck for a generous return. Where could he wind up? How about San Francisco? How about some Hamburger Helper up your ass and around the fuckin corner!?!

Mets general manager Sandy Alderson asked Reyes' agent Peter Greenberg to name their asking price, and when Greenberg declined, Alderson asked that Reyes come back to the Mets after he has done some shopping! Ha! Who is Alderson kidding? This fuckin freak even puts his condoms on layaway!!!!!