How Texting Turns Us Back Into Teenagers

After Mary Delano argued on the phone with her husband about why he wasn't doing his share of the housework—and the spouses hung up on each other in a mutual fit of frustration—she decided to send him a text.

These days, as an increasing number of adults are discovering what teenagers have long known: Texting lends itself particularly well to manipulative (or, in other words, juvenile) behavior. Elizabeth Bernstein explains on Lunch Break.

What did it say? Absolutely nothing. Ms. Delano, a 29-year-old marketing account manager who lives in Miami, sent a blank text—on purpose.
Her husband wrote back immediately with a question mark. Ms. Delano asked him what he meant. He wrote again and asked if she had sent him a text. She feigned surprise. Then her husband called her.
Bingo. Ms. Delano got what she was looking for: A way to continue the conversation.

Enlarge Image

The Mystery Maker: Texts people blank messages so they will respond, then act like, oops, it was an accident

"A blank text is a way to break the ice," she says. "It is a reason to call."
These days, an increasing number of adults are discovering what teenagers have long known: Texting lends itself particularly well to some serious power plays.
Want to play it cool with someone? Seem busy and important? Then send a text—with a term of endearment—that appears to be written to someone else. Or ask "who is this?" when you receive a text. Have a friend text you repeatedly when you're on a date. Claim not to have gotten a text you actually received.
Let's call it bluffting: A text with a little bluffing.

Enlarge Image

The Very Busy Bee: Randomly texts people while out with friends to look important and popular

Shawn Farner, a 26-year-old freelance Web communications specialist from Harrisburg, Pa., often waits to return a text from a woman he is interested in—sometimes for hours or even days. He learned the power of this technique several years ago, when a woman he was dating returned his texts only once or twice a day. "The lack of instant gratification absolutely consumed my brain," he says.
Now, if a woman takes a day to get back to him, Mr. Farner takes a day to get back to her. He once waited two weeks to write a woman—after she'd taken two weeks to write him.

 

The 'Clueless' Replier: Pretends not to recognize a person's cellphone number to appear cool and aloof

"We may be compulsively checking our phones and waiting for the text message to come in, but we don't want the other person to know that," he says. Mr. Farner admits this manipulative behavior is childish. But he also recognizes it as an integral part of today's dance between the sexes. "A little alarm goes off in my head if a girl is really quick to respond," he says. "I catch myself thinking, 'OK, something must be wrong with this girl. Why is she texting back so quickly?'"
Certainly, we've behaved passively-aggressively to each other long before texting came along. Don't tell me you never called an ex after a breakup—perhaps even numerous times—and hung up when he or she answered.
Now think of how much more tempting texting makes all this. Consider our relationship with our smartphones. Many of us carry one at all times, customize it with ring tones and cases and sleep with it. (We pretend this is because we need to use its alarm function.) And research has shown that we get a rush of neurochemicals related to pleasure, including dopamine, when we receive messages.

 

The Constant Chirper: Has others text while on a date so the chirper's own phone seems to be constantly buzzing

"It's perfect for manipulation," says Sherry Turkle, a psychologist in the program in Science, Technology, and Society at Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "We can create anxiety because it's so intimate."
Texting is also immediate. Most people see texts faster than they see email or pick up their voice messages. And they expect a reply right away, according to Dr. Turkle, who has researched this. When we send a text, we expect a reply in three minutes, she says. If we haven't received one in five minutes, we get antsy. "And if we still haven't heard back in 10 minutes, we believe something is wrong, that we are being ignored," says Dr. Turkle, author of "Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other."
Especially when we are insecure—think dating—we yearn for control. "It's about the id—the child who wants everything now," says Soroya Bacchus, a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of addictions and compulsions. "And now we have a device for complete gratification of that."

 

The Waiting Gamer: Waits hours or days to reply to a text in order not to seem desperate or overly eager

Justine Campbell, 23, an Internet marketing specialist from White Plains, N.Y., sometimes sends texts in which she fibs in order to weed out the guys who are just on the make.
Here's how it works: She pretends to be drunk—she does this on a Friday or Saturday night. She then texts a guy saying something honest ("I really like hanging out with you") and makes sure to include spelling errors and mention her drunken state. If the guy responds nicely to what she said ("I like you, too. Why don't we talk tomorrow?"), she considers him worth a date. If he writes back something inappropriate, he's history.
"It works because people try to use your drunken state to pry the truth out of you," she says. "Little do they know I'm prying the truth out of them."