The New England Patriots are ready to get back to business, as they've gone against the grain this offseason, and brought in a couple jerkoffs in Ochocinco and Albert "I'll Step On Your Face" Haynesworth, while their rival New York Jets are poised to finally win the AFC East, behind their loudmouth coach who thinks he knows how New York City works, despite only being here for two years! Unbelievable! I guess that would be like me moving to California, and telling the natives they don't know shit about earthquakes!!! Peyton Manning could be out for quite some time, so I'm anxious to see just how good the Colts really are without their star one-man show. The Steelers and Ravens are set for a Week 1 battle, and the San Diego Chargers are hoping this is the season they can put it together from start to finish. And oh yeah, Cedric Benson is out of prison after five long days!!!!
Over in the NFC we have the almighty Philadelphia Eagles, who were clearly the winners of the offseason, but I still don't think they have enough juice to be better than the Packers. What about the Atlanta Falcons? Well, I expect these filthy birds to really bounce back from last year's ugly home-playoff loss to Green Bay, because they honestly have a ton of fuckin talent down there. Look for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to regress, and the Chicago Bears to finish tied for second place in the NFC North with the Detroit Lions. The New York Giants? Those losers were forced to cancel their season due to all of the injuries they've incurred since training camp began one month ago, so don't ask about those fuckin creeps!
In conclusion, I really hope none of you enjoy tonight's NFL opener, and that you all remember - He who hesitates, masturbates! Uncle PMAC is making bacon-cheeseburgers tonight at the Cabin, and all my favorite sluts are invited!!! I'll blow a fuckin bovine, if I don't throw a grand on this contest! Let's go! Choke on my chunky chorizo, cocksuckers!
