AL Wild Card Race Heats Up!!!

The Boston Red Sox continue their September swoon, folks, as the pricks from Provincetown have gone 5-15 this month, while the Tampa Bay Rays have clawed to within two games of the AL Wild Card, with seven contests each left to go. Disappointment hit once again last night at Fenway, when Jonathan Papelprick blew his five-out save opportunity in a late-inning, 7-5 loss to Fuck Showalter's pesky Orioles! The Yankees shut out the Rays in the Bronx, 5-0, but the Rays have a major opportunity to make up ground today with a doubleheader between the two teams. Don't look now, but the Angels, powered by the big bat of Rookie Of The Year Candidate, Mark "Rusty" Trumbo, have moved to within 3.5 games of Boston, with a 10-6 win last night in Toronto, so this race will come down to the fuckin wire next week. The Red Sox will send Josh Beckett to the bump this evening in their series finale with Baltimore, while the Angels will have Dan Haren on the hill against the Blue Jays. Jeremy Hellickson and James Shields are Tampa's scheduled starters for today's twinbill with the Yankees. Pardon me for being so serious this morning, but this shit is intense. What the fuck do you guys want from me? What am I a clown? I'm here to amuse you? My goodness fuckin gracious, I feel like a fuckin substitute teacher today, and I'm teaching the fuckin alphabet to a bunch of 7th-graders! Who brought in the cuntcakes? I hope they're extra creamy! Put down the PS3's and pick up a fuckin porno, will ya? Be a human-being for once! I'm busy, I don't have time to fuck around when I'm trying to pass the Bar Exam. I go from prick to super-prick!!! This is the Cabin, not some cocksuckin Red Roof Inn! Uncle PMAC doesn't leave the light on for anyone! Not even myself! I'm walking into walls all night long like Lionel Fuckin Richie! I woke up today with pots and pans in my fuckin dresser, and hot sauce on my toilet! Play ball!