Breaking News: Tiger Woods Will Not Play In British Open!

"Unfortunately, I've been advised that I should not play in the British Open. As I stated at the AT&T National, I am only going to come back when I'm 100 percent ready. I do not want to risk further injury. That's different for me, but I'm being smarter this time. I'm very disappointed and want to express my regrets to the British Open fans."

So goes the story of Tiger "The Happy Horndog" Woods, as the serial philanderer will miss yet another golf tournament in the summer of 2011. I'm telling you, folks, every major this prick sits out, is another lost opportunity to catch the Golden Bear. Me? Who knows? I'm the kind of guy who laughs at his own jokes! I'll dump a gallon of Head & Shoulders on your mother's twat, and call it a romantic fuckin comedy! I get stage-fright even though my sausage is the size of a fuckin Tonka truck! I'm no fuckin hero! I've been banging broads at Destination Maternity all morning long!!! The Cabin is back!