2011 NFL Draft Tonight!

The 2011 NFL Draft is tonight at 8PM eastern, but who even gives a shit, when the players aren't allowed to have any contact with their respective teams anyway?! This is a travesty, folks! This joke is so funny I forgot to fuckin laugh!!! Talk about a fuckin tease! Talk about a bunch of nonsensical hogwash!!! Who needs a dog and fuckin pony show, when you don't even know if we'll have a season in 2011? Enough is enough, Goodell!!! The Draft will be airing on ESPN and the NFL Network, so pick your fuckin poison, pricks! Would you rather watch a coked-up Mel Kiper Jr. squeezing Todd McShay's ass for a couple hours, while Stuart Scott wacks off crosseyed, or do you prefer Steve Mariucci picking his nose and flicking it at Rich Eisen's face?! If you ask me, I'd flip back and forth between both telecasts, but what the fuck do I know? I'm the same guy who brushed his teeth with Goldschlager this morning, because I ran out of fuckin Crest! I stuck the tube of toothpaste up some gal's snatch last night while I was chowing her box! I figured why not kill two birds with one stone, and get my night brushing done!

The Carolina Panthers have the first selection tonight, and the hot rumor is they will select Auburn's Cam Newton, but I'm not so sure he would be the right choice. If I'm Carolina, then I'm taking either LSU's playmaking cornerback, Patrick Peterson, or Alabama's stout defensive tackle, Marcell Dareus, #1 overall. I'm sorry, but I don't think Newton's quarterbacking skills will translate at all to the NFL level, as I happen to think Jake Locker is the best QB prospect in the draft. Peterson and Dareus are can't miss players in Uncle PMAC's objective opinion. The Broncos, Bills, Bengals, and Cardinals will round out the Top 5 picks, following the Panthers. So there you have it, folks! Settle down tonight, dunk your dick in some spinach and artichoke dip, prank-call your friends, and enjoy! Let's get it going on a muggy Thursday at Prick Cabin!