Waste Management Phoenix Open Update!

The crowds are rather timid at TPC Scottsdale thusfar, as some chilly weather has invaded Phoenix. Second round play was suspended this morning, due to the persistent frosty temperatures. This is unbelievable, folks. The entire fuckin country is a sheet of ice, and it makes me sick to my scrotum. Pardon my language, but the weather can go fuck itself! Bill Haas, -6, has carried his momentum over from the Farmers Insurance Open, right into the desert, but I expect him to unravel at any moment now. I don't know how this stiff cocksucker is sitting atop another fuckin leaderboard. So while Phil Mickelson, Dustin Johnson, and Jeff Overton are all tied at -4, Haas is jerking off in the clubhouse to Bikini Frankenstein! Is that how you sign your scorecard, Bill!? Get a fuckin life, pal! You remind me of the prick in the Just For Men commercials, who has infant daughters begging him to color his hair!?! Who do those little bitches think they are? If I ever had daughters, then I'd want them to bring me an economy pack of Lifestyles! Not fuckin hair-coloring! Seriously! Don't fuckin insult me, by telling me I'm going gray!!! I rather have them telling me I should try getting laid once in awhile! I don't give a fuck, I'll give D.J. Tanner a ring! She's gotta be horny!