Cubs Sign Carlos Pena*

According to multiple sources, the Chicago Cubs are in agreement with Carlos Pena on a one-year pact, worth a reported $10 million. The Windy City will now be known as Whiff City, because nobody swings and misses more than Carlos, except for maybe Mark Reynolds, who has now taken his lame act to Baltimore. Pena is sure to park a few balls in Sluggers World Class Sports Bar, so keep a fuckin eye out on North Clark Street, and be sure to tip the prick in the bathroom!