Breaking News: Phillies Sign Jonathan Papelbon!

In a very strange development, the Phillies have nixed their deal with Ryan Madson, and signed Jonathan "The Worst" Papelbon!!! Woah!?! Papelbon has received a 4-Year deal for $50 Million!!!!!!! Are you kidding me!?! Don't get me wrong, folks, I do think Papelprick is better than Madson, but still, that is a lot of juice right there! Papelbon, 30, had served as the Boston Red Sox closer since 2006. Last year for Boston he posted a career-low 31 saves with a 2.94 ERA. The four-time All-Star has averaged 37 saves and a 2.33 ERA over seven professional seasons.I expect the former Red Sox closer to really embrace Philadelphia, as he's already agreed to sticking a cheesesteak up his fuckin fanny on the local news outlet down there tonight at 6PM! Nothing says City of Brotherly Love quite like Cheez-Wiz and onions dripping from your tush!!! The phones are ringing off the hook at the Cabin Sportsbook with people looking to place big bets on just how long it will take Papelbon to fuck the Philly Fanatic!!!!! 5:2 odds, he does it by Sunday! Any takers!!??