Breaking News: Dodgers Ink Matt Kemp To Mega-Deal!!!

Good morning on another unseasonably warm day in the TriState, and welcome to another Prick Cabin Titty Bar Tuesday! Uncle PMAC has been working the phones all night prank-calling that cocksucker Buster Olney, and acting like I was the captain of the fuckin Jerky Boys, in my attempt to get the inside scoop on 2012-Free Agent-to-be Matt Kemp! Well, folks, here's the deal, the Dodgers have given Matt "Fuck Rihanna, I Bange More Broads Than Shawn" Kemp an 8-Year $160 Million extension! The 27-year-old homegrown Dodger was undoubtedly going to be a highly-pursued free agent next offseason, or at this season's trade deadline, but the bankrupt boys from the City of Angels somehow managed to scrape up $160 million out from underneath their twin-sized bed!?! Let's be honest, geniuses, Frank McCourt employed a personal fuckin hairstylist for $150,000 a year!!!! No wonder why the guy is broke! What the fuck do I know, though!?!? I like my pussies the way I like my parking garages - empty!